Positive discipline

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Parenting in certain situations and at certain periods in the family lifecycle is by nature more challenging.
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.C G Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939
Parents should teach their children to develop boundaries from the early years. This could help to prevent further problems in the future.

Schifferdecker, (2006) states that “boundaries let children know what behaviour is acceptable and what behaviour is not. For young children, boundaries keep them safe - don’t cross the street alone, don’t talk to strangers, etc. For older children, boundaries make them pleasant people to live with, work with, and play with. Without boundaries, children will have problems getting along with others their entire life.”

Many times, when children do something wrong or fail to meet their parent's expectations, parents immediately punish them. Many children have no control over these errors and thus do not feel accepted by their parents. As Brooks & Goldstein state “... if our children feel that they cannot meet the expectation that we have set, but we continue to push and punish instead of teach them, the outcome is likely to include anger, doubts about their ability, fear of failure, and low self-esteem - all characteristics that will work against their becoming resilient”. p 245.

Discipline should teach children to reflect on their actions and foresee the likely consequences for their behaviour. Rewards and consequences are important and these should be given immediately. The following are some tips.

Rewards can be anything that is important to the child:
• Use of the computer / video games
• Receiving pocket money
• Watching TV
• Use of the telephone

Giving incentives: Incentives could be a special activity, buying clothes, eating out, even a candy bar or extra sweets.

Consequences can be natural - there has to be a relationship between the consequence and the act which led to it:
• If you choose not to do your room, you may not leave it until it is done
• If you haven't finished your daily chores, you miss one of your privileges (e.g. sweets, games, TV etc)
• If you can't keep your timeframes then you lose the ability to do what is next in line (e.g. you do not get leisure time until you finish your homework)

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts which work with children:

Dos
• Do notice your child’s behaviour
• Do listen to your child
• Do give children the opportunity to express their feelings
• Do make your message clear
• Do give reasons for your decisions
• Do be realistic in your expectations
• Do practise what you preach
• Do encourage children to devise their own solutions to problems
• Do remember that your child is a person too
• Do say sorry if you have said or done something you regret
• Do put yourselves in your children’s shoes sometimes

Don’ts
• Don’t give lots of attention to behaviour you don’t like
• Don’t rely on bribes
• Don’t use threats or shout
• Don’t ridicule children
• Don’t compare your child with others
• Don’t discipline children without explaining
• Don’t be afraid to negotiate
If we want to raise resilient children, we must not concentrate all of our energy on changing the world around us, but rather we must begin by changing what we do with our children.Brooks, R & Goldstein S (2001) p2 s9
When children won’t listen
• Kneel or sit so that you are at your child’s level
• Hold your child gently by the shoulders or hands while you make the request
• Look right into your child’s eyes
• Talk in a firm, clear, calm voice
• Look serious while you speak
• Make it clear that you expect to be listened to - as you would listen to them
• Listen to your child’s response and carefully consider his or her views
• Give children options wherever possible
• Try negotiation
• Give ample opportunity for them to complete the task
• Praise co-operation or explain the consequences (without resorting to threats) of non co-operation
• Give warnings and helpful reminders
• Encourage children’s problem-solving skills

Maryann Casha is a social worker at Aġenzija Appoġġ